When the Extraordinary is not Enough

A commentary on family relations and acceptance

The castle loomed large before him as the duelist approached his ancestral home for the first time in ten years. The tiny sliver of light from the crescent moon cast a dim light across the bridge while flickering torches lined the pathway and guards stood as still as statues on either side of the entrance.

The duelist observed their stoic appearance, feeling nothing from them except men attending to their duties laid out by the master. High above them, a figure looked out towards the road where the duelist stood, his eyes seeming to evaluate the visitor to his domain. No prodigal son hug; no affection of a son returning home. Just the cold eyes of someone who was allowing this visit to happen rather then welcoming it.

“Another battlefield”, the duelist mused, yet even in his heart he found himself trembling at the thought of returning home.

I remember this feeling. It’s that feeling expressed through the disapproving stares of of family members who could barely look at me without having to fight that sense of revulsion and disgust.

It echoes inside the body when meeting with family members who barely tolerate you even when they invite you to dinner…out of pity.

I read an article that explored this recently. It described the actions and stares at the dinner table with remarkable clarity and intent and lamented on how families, which would be a institution that is “safe” is sometimes more of a battle ground and only reinforces the idea that safety itself is illusory at best.

Is that a tragedy? Yes.

My mother once had me read a book from the Last Herald Mage trilogy by author Mercedes Lackey.

https://www.goodreads.com/series/41448-valdemar-the-last-herald-mage

In this series, we find our main character, Vanyel Ashkevron who holds the title of the Last of the Herald Mages, a figure of extraordinary ability and power. One would expect this type of person who had such elevated status to be respected by ones peers, by the people and even kings; however, what I found when reading the novels was not a man who was valiantly slaying dragons or confronting evil sorcerers etc, although there was some of this in the novels. Instead, what I found was all the internal tension of being different.. of being gay and having family who would barely tolerate him because of it.

I realize what the author was saying.

If you are different… too different, even your family will reject you and revile you. You could be a captain of industry, or a doctor or a lawyer and your family would still look at you as if you were an uninvited guest wearing tattered clothes that hadn’t been washed or changed in weeks.

“A prophet is not without honor except in his own hometown and in his own household”: Matthew 13:57

I have felt this myself for different reasons. The dismissive attitudes; the stares that say “you’ll never amount to anything, just like your father”, and the viewpoint matters more than the relationship

After awhile, it gets familiar, like old leather. You come to accept it as normal and you just stop fighting and shut down, realizing that there was no way of breaking through the icy cold judgement that they believe is “righteous”

In some ways, this is freeing. When you realize that it is their perceptions that are at issue and not yourself, you discover that you do have some autonomy in how you feel about who you are.

As the duelist says “I’m not here to impress. I’m here to align.”

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